||[Jan. 18th, 2002|03:20 pm]
I'm actually pretty happy in general. My journal might lead you believe otherwise.
I keep myself so busy during the day that I don't allow myself the time to type up journal entries over a few lines. Except, of course, during my fleeting bouts of anger. So the net result is a journal with a bunch of whining and a few entries interspersed with entries along the lines of: "I'm tired. Going to bed now."
I do compose long journal entries, however, though only in my mind. I compose them while driving, while cooking, and at night in the 3 hours before I fall asleep. I tell myself that I'll type them later, but later either I'm busy again, I've gotten frustrated by something I've read in my email, or I'm embarrassed about how corny my deep thought of the night before sounds when put into words.
"put into words"
Language is cool. I just can't get over that. Its entire purpose is an interchange format for passing ideas, to actualize the intangibility that is thought/desire/emotion/etc.
I'll never speak German wonderfully, but it's fun to learn and it makes me appreciate how powerful a grasp I have over my native language.
Given enough time I could accurately describe any thought or feeling I'm having. Lately I've been feeling guilty that I don't do this enough. I mean, what's the point of learning German, an interchange method of thought, when I don't actively express my existing thoughts with anybody in English as it is?
So I tell myself at night in the comfort of darkness that I'll write and share and people will understand. But even in my native language, just the discussion of the mostly slightly personal topic is fraught with difficulty. One unclear sentence and the whole message I'm trying to convey can take a different meaning. "can" That's the thing --- I'm never sure how people will interpret what I write.
It comes down to balancing the good with the bad. Does the benefit of n% of the readers understanding the message outweigh the negative cost of the other fraction misinterpreting it? If the misinterpretation has no associated negative cost (i.e. "um, what? brad's on crack or something.") then I can just post without concern... any small value of n still results in a positive net gain of understanding spread. But if there's negative cost from its interpretation, then I either have to be very careful, or not communicate at all with a gauranteed outcome of +0, a safe play.
The only way I'll improve at describing what I'm thinking is practice. I wish I could force myself to be more talkative.
There's this girl that was in my German class last quarter. I see her every few days on campus and we smile/wave and whatnot. I haven't had the chance to talk to her in over a week. Her German class this quarter is at the same time as mine in the same hall of the same building. So I should run into her more often, but it must be bad luck. I think we'd get along really well. I thoroughly enjoyed talking to her before class last quarter. For the past week I've been planning on inviting her to go do somehting but haven't seen her. Wish I knew her last name or email address or something. *sigh*
Crap's come up and my temporary wave of sharingness is over and it's time to be grumpy for awhile.
Back to work.