Grrrrrrrrrrr. How frustrating.
All I want to do is go on a damn bike ride.
Update: I figured it out. To avoid others getting as angry as I did the past hour or so on and off, I've written the....
Brad's Air-In-Tire HOWTO!
1) Recognize there are two types of air go in thingy types
2) The bike pump has a rubber piece and a plastic piece, both of which can go in two different ways, making for a confusing 4 combinations, only two of which are valid. Further, there's a screwy plastic thing that has to be on tight (as opposed to not tight), and a lever thing that has to be done (not up).
3) Try all sixteen combinations.
4) The fifteenth will work.
Oh, and how did I forget the spinny metal thingy... that has to be open enough so the "spine" (stupid word) can go in and out and air can get in. *sigh*