Mad props to DSL-Only for their awesome customer support. Jasmine was very entertaining to work with. Verizon was rude to both of us, but it wasn't their fault in the end, so that makes it a little justified I guess.
Intel NICs can blow me. Or the eepro100 driver, at least. No, the NIC... because nothing worked on Windows either, and that's the same NIC. Anyway, yay for promiscuous mode!
Time to setup my home network again and tuck some of these five billion cables away.