||[Apr. 13th, 2004|04:33 am]
My laptop bag and bike bag are the same. Sometimes I forget to empty everything when the bag switches roles.
So it happens, the Transportation Stasi Administration is now in possession of my bike tool, just in case I hijack a frickin' plane with an Alan wrench.
She offered to let me cross back over to the other side, mail it, and wait in line again, which so wasn't gonna happen. I told her I'll just have to let the United States have it. "What was that sir, what was that?!"
I refrained from telling her I also had deadly fingernail clippers with me.
And think ...
you pay taxes to employ them to take your bike tool that you bought.
Culinery Expert Alton Brown
had a similar situation last year with a frying pan:
ARMED AND DANGEROUS
Let me say right up front that I don’t like terrorists. As a youth I was classic bully fodder (fat, slow, nerdy, uncool) so I know terrorism firsthand. And so, when in the wake of 911 the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) was formed, I figured it for a good thing. As a frequent traveler of the skies, I welcomed tighter airport screenings with open arms. But I have now come to fear people wearing TSA badges almost as much as the bullies who used to torture me in grade school. Why? Because they can do anything their small, mean minds want to and there’s nothing you or I can do about it.
Case in point: I flew to Allentown PA yesterday, to perform at a food and wine festival. Nice place Allentown, not at all like the Billy Joel song and in the 18 hours I was there I enjoyed myself just fine. Then came the airport. Now whenever I do egg related demonstrations I generally carry my own pan, in this case a ten-inch Caphelon skillet. Since I was just overnighting, I’d put the pan in my carryon as I have for perhaps a hundred similar jaunts. Today however, the TSA bully decided that my pan was a weapon and would not be allowed on the plane. I asked if he could show me something stating that skillets, along with guns, road flares, chain saws and cutting instruments, could be construed as a threat and therefore sizeable. The goon simply stared at me and said he wasn’t going to let me take it. I mentioned that I was a culinary professional and that I had walked this exact pan through 20 other airports from LAX to Dallas to Miami. And then I saw it; the same mean little squint I’d seen in those bullies when I was a kid. This guy could do whatever he wanted for whatever reason he wanted. I surrendered the pan and can only hope that one day his wife will liberate herself from his tyranny by introducing it to his head at high velocity.
I’m not saying that a plane couldn’t be hijacked with a frying pan…I’m sure in the hands of a trained ninja, it could deal out as much death as an AK-47. I’m just saying that people with authority should have to play by a set of rules…published rules. If as a nation we’re going to have to tolerate being probed, scanned, profiled and frisked before we can get on an airplane, so be it. But it seems to me that we deserve a little consistency. Otherwise we open ourselves up to a whole new brand of bully…bullies with badges…not to mention really nice omelet pans.
2004-04-13 11:13 am (UTC)
Allentown, Alan wrench... they must treat anything that matches /Al+[ae]/ with suspicion.
2004-04-13 07:12 am (UTC)
Fear the allen wrench of dooom!!!!
Saying you'll "Let the United States have it" was probably not a great choice of words ;)
2004-04-13 08:17 am (UTC)
Hah. I didn't think of it like that.
Sir, you're under arrest.
Did they really ask you "What was that, sir?" ?
2004-04-13 12:20 pm (UTC)
There's actually an entire movie based on that very misunderstanding called 'Let Him Have It'
. It's a very good film. You should see it.
2004-04-13 09:18 am (UTC)
You know they really need to set the bar somewhere near "Would I have a better chance of taking over the plane with my car keys and a shoe?"
Yeah, I'd think that car keys would pose a bit more of a threat than an Alan Wrench. I still go by the guidelines that we're all doomed if terrorists all become trained in the deadly arts of hand to hand combat.
You should've hijcaked the plane just to show that wormy demon what's what. Or at least set a fire in the bathroom.
My friends and I had the longest argument when one of them claimed he could hijack a plane with a butter knife. Truth is, you could, but you could also use the pen in your pocket or a plastic/glass undetectible weapon.
I would totally would have repeated it...though maybe once I was there it'd seem scary.
(I have the feeling we're using too many key phrases and we'll have federal agents swarming us anytime and putting red flags on our records)
2004-04-13 10:40 am (UTC)
Don't be silly...
They don't take nail clippers anymore.. they just break off the nail file and give it back to you.
I have a sibbling who is a TSA screener and while it may be tempting to say they do this just be be bitches, such pinickety regulations aften come from higher up. They have a "when i doubt" list, comming from some low-level DHS secretary of stuff they should take when they're not sure. On it:
HEX / ALLEN
..so don't blame out boys in polyester, blame Cheney.
2004-04-13 02:17 pm (UTC)
it's a wonder they don't buckle you in and not let you up
I'm sure disassemblage of the plane itself is a concern.
Remove fold up tray table. Smack stewardess, one, two, three. Remove cabin door hinges...
"Stop him, he has a wrench!!!"
They'll be feeding people out of tubes before too long, or resort to "all finger food" dinning...you watch!
You terrorist you.
I've seen one lady get through with scissors...
2004-04-14 04:54 am (UTC)
I'm sure they feared you were going to disassemble the plane, one bolt at a time. How times have changed.
When my grandfather first flew to Antarctica he was given a multitool style thing (as were all the other passengers) and told "If you see a bolt working loose please tighten it up again". True story.
This was about 50 years ago, and the flight is sufficiently long that you reach a point where there's no turning back, and nowhere else to land. Keeping the plane in one piece thus becomes kind of important. And the passengers could be trusted to help with this.
Now obviously this has to be done by specially trained officials who can be trusted to wield the mighty power of a wrench. And I'm sure they're pleased by your contribution to their tool collection...
2004-12-16 12:42 am (UTC)
Do you really think that anyone could come up with a definitive list of items???? try it. Yes I take away ANY tool. THATS THE RULE. The frying pan is a JUDGEMENT CALL. I'd send you back to put it in cargo. By the way, you spell ALAN wrench A-L-L-E-N. you might know how to cook but you cant spell for crap
2004-12-16 05:36 am (UTC)
2005-09-02 01:03 pm (UTC)
how to annoy tsa
I'll be brief, I gave my checked bag to the tsa moron at the front of the x ray machine and took two steps before I remembered my little tiny pocet knife in my pocket so I asked the tsa guy to put it in my bag. Well he's about to do that when the supervisor starts screaming about the bag is in their custody and you can't do that. Now everytime I fly and that's a lot I wear a Kennesaw Air T shirt that I got on e bay the slogan is " where everone's an air marshall" the tsa people hate it because it would put them out of a job just imagine an airplane full of armed passengers nobody could hijack it !